2013 Update: The 10 Most Reviled Magic Cards, According to Gatherer – Part One

Welcome to the gift that keeps giving:  Terrible cards.  And not your usual unplayable limited riff-raff, either.  If you lined a parrot’s cage with these cards, the parrot would pick them up and offer them back to you.  These cards are so bad, The Geneva convention prohibits soldiers from playing them, since they constitute a form of torture.  These cards are so horrible that I warn you not to read this article before going to bed.  Otherwise you will wake in the dead of the night in a fever sweat, wondering what kind of God would allow cards like these to exist.  This is an update to The Top Ten Most Reviled Magic: the Gathering Cards, According to Gatherer.  And there’s been a number of changes in line-up this past year.

Before we discover which turds broke the top ten, I feel obligated to remind you that this list was not generated by me.  You did this.  You, the Magic: the Gathering playing public, were so repulsed by these ten cards that you consistently voted one or a half of one star for each one of these entries in Magic’s online database, Gatherer.  I’m not here to judge your choices; I’m Virgil, your guide leading you to the depths of our Magic Inferno.

I also need to point out that, at the time of this printing, both Return to Ravnica and Gatecrash get the pass.  Return to Ravnica wouldn’t leave a dent anyhow, since none its cards plumb these depths.  But if we counted Gatecrash, then there would be a new reigning, frozen, three-headed, morning star on our hands.  Behold!  I present to you, Merfolk of the Depths!

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Merfolk of the Depths is rated a soul-sucking 0.717, meaning that, on average, most voters failed to rate this card a single star.  It is currently rated the worst card in all of Gatherer, but that must change.  After all, have you seen Bog Hoodlums?  As bad as Merfolk of the Depths is, at least it can block.

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As of the writing of this article, Gatecrash is yet to release.  Players are voting on Merfolk of the Depths based on how it feels when a decent uncommon slot is wasted on a card that no one is interested in playing.  Players have yet to build wacky stories that involve baiting the opponent into unnecessarily all-out attacking, preventing the combat damage, then casting Merfolk of the Depths at the end of their opponent’s turn and swinging for a four-damage victory.  None of us have yet to snap it onto a table flooded with evolve creatures mid-combat, effectively netting a surprise 4/2 and a Glorious Anthem on the block.   The card isn’t good, but it will fill a niche.  The bottom ten cards in Magic also fill a niche.  It’s in a can lined with a plastic bag that you can find hidden away in your kitchen.

The public’s opinion of what’s worser than worse continues to evolve.  Since I wrote my original article, seven of the ten worst cards in Magic were bumped off the list.  As those cards rose from caca to poop, other cards, teetering on the edge of full-blown degeneracy, leaped into their vacuous slots.  But first, let’s look behind the music, and ask “Where are they now?”

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Number Four Hundred and Twenty-Seven (?!):  Purelace

Up a whopping four hundred and twenty-five places from its original score as the third worst card in the game of Magic, Purelace lifted itself out of reviled, flew above the useless, and now resides on marginal street.  It is a far flight to flap before it’s considered ‘playable’, but, somehow, it redeemed its sense of pride.  How did this happen?

My only guess is that it’s our fault.  My readership isn’t stunning, but the original Reviled Article, as of this page’s publication, received over 5,000 hits.  I’m guessing, some of my readers were unhappy to see their old friend Purelace high on crack street, and decided that, while not every card deserves to be saved, Purelace was special in some way.  Attention must be paid to such a card.

And, when you think about it, that’s fair.  Purelace isn’t good, but it’s the Wolverine of bad cards.  It’s the best there is at what it does (but what it does best isn’t very nice.)  Niveous Wisps is better in two ways (it can tap a creature and you draw a card when you play it.)  But can you use it in tandem with Circle of Protection: White to turn a 40 point Fireball into a puff of feathers?  No.  Can you put it in an Isochron Scepter and slowly turn all your opponent’s Swamps into white Swamps, so that when you cast Anarchy, it wipes the board of that player’s land?  No, you can’t.  I suppose you’re also a fool for not wanting to draw six cards and lock down six creatures with your Nivean Whisps / Isochron Scepter instead… but foolish is a far off destination from despicable.

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Number Ninety: Temple Elder

Up Eighty-Two spots from its original destination at number eight is Temple Elder. Maybe we influenced this card as well, though, it’s hard to tell with Portal: Second Age. Temple Elder only has 26 people who voted on it. One or two passing votes is enough to swing the pendulum above one star, where Temple Elder now resides.

And, I must admit, that seems fair, too. If our game lives in a world where Marble Chalice has the same exact casting cost and roughly the same effect (Do you activate Marble Chalice at the end of your opponent’s turn? Shame on you if you do.) and has a rating of 2.064, then this card doesn’t really belong in the bottom ten. You can’t activate Temple Elder the turn you play it, and it’s susceptible to creature kill. But it can block in a pinch, and, um… who would bother to kill this guy? If my opponent pointed a Doom Blade at my Temple Elder, I’d slam my cards on the table, run outside and do a victory lap around the apartment complex.

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Number Thirty-One: Scorching Spear
Number Twenty-One: Thermal Blast

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Originally numbers Ten and Nine on the list, respectively, Scorching Spear and Thermal Blast continue to look terrible when compared to the unfair red staple damage dealing spell, Lightning Bolt. But at least they escaped the smoldering ire we feel when we glare at the worst twenty cards in the game of Magic.

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Number Sixteen: Ignoble Soldier
Number Fifteen: Security Detail
Number Fourteen: Sorrow’s Path

Originally, Numbers Six, Seven and Four respectively, Ignoble Soldier, Security Detail and Sorrow’s Path pulled themselves out of the top ten list, but barely. Perhaps they received some temporary love, or perhaps the pain that is the other thirteen cards is greater. I couldn’t say. But I can say that when I look at the cards that are coming down the queue, I cry, just a little, and I think of letting go.

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Number Ten: Goblin Firebug

What sort of twisted meta-game must you be involved in for this card to be the right choice? “Oh, I was thinking of playing Goblin Piker: a 2/1 Goblin Warrior for the same casting cost. But then I thought to myself, ‘What if my opponent can deal one damage to it?’ So I decided ‘Go big, or go home.’ Am I right?”

Sacrifice a land? For a single point of toughness? Are you crazy? What’s your mana curve supposed to stop at? Two? Do you not plan to survive the game past turn three? I don’t think I ever heard of a deck strategy that involved both winning on turn three, and casting Grizzly Bears.

Firebug is even worse in multiplayer. He may as well come with the creature type “Flagbearer“; whatever your opponents originally planned to do, their new goal is to kill Goblin Firebug before someone else gets the chance. “Shock!” “I Unsummon him in response!” “No, wait! I respond by casting Momentary Blink! Then, when the Firebug reenters the battlefield, I blink him again!”

The only practical application I can think of for Goblin Firebug is to either play him in a deck with no lands (Vintage Goblins?), or play him in a deck where you don’t mind if your lands get sacrificed (Flagstones of Trokair?). This is a stab at the lunatic. Since Firebug, a goblin of mediocre stats, can never be acceptable among two and three star cards, we’re instead throwing good money at bad, and tossing him in the all-star team in an attempt at relevancy. That can’t be right. Is he supposed to get all palsy-walsy with Karn, Silver Golem? Karn! You can do better than that! Much, much better!

Best Comment by Ave_Adore: “This is an incredibly good card to get rid of that Sorrow’s Path you played…”

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Number Nine: Ember Shot

Quick. How much mana would you pay for a Lightning Bolt that drew you a card when you cast it? One mana is too good. You know that. Two mana? That seems fair, but would you play it over Lightning Bolt? Maybe you run it alongside Lightning Bolt. That seems pretty good. How about three extra mana? Maybe a bit too much? Fine for draft and sealed, you suppose? Okay. How about six?

Six mana to draw a card? That sounds like Ember Shot! (from the same designers that brought you Scorching Spear and Thermal Blast. Feel the Heat. Summer of 2002.)

For many terrible cards, we’re left to speculate what madness could drive Wizards to say to themselves “You know what would make this a better card? If we added even more mana!” For this particular terrible card, however, we’re lucky. In an ‘Ask Wizards’ article from July 15th of 2002, Bas Kooijman asked…

“I was wondering why you guys made Ember Shot... Here in Holland my friends and I collected all of them after the prerelease and ‘Ember Shot’ them.”

…and Bill Rose answered…

“Here’s a consolidated transcript of one of our developer’s job interview:
Me: Should we make cards that test deckbuilding skill in sealed deck? Cards that you’re wrong to play all of the time and you’re wrong to play none of the time?
Developer: Of course.
Me: Should we make direct damage cards that aren’t a no-brainer to play when you play red?
Developer: Of course.
Me: If you had a direct damage spell that dealt 3 damage for , would you sometimes play it?
Developer: (hesitant) I guess.
Me: So is there any reason why we shouldn’t print that card?
Developer: (on verge of tears) Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

And Ember Shot was born. The development team made it a cantrip (and added one mana). They probably made it a better card. Will you play Ember Shot in your Constructed deck? Not if you hope to play in round two. Should you play Ember Shot in Limited? Maybe, maybe not. For those of you who refuse to play Ember Shot in any deck — maybe you should stick with Spellfire.”

Was… hold it… what the heck is Bill Rose saying here?  I think he’s telling us we’d be fools not to play Ember Shot in limited.  Because that’s a reference to Spellfire, a failed Dungeons and Dragons collectible card game that was the running joke of many other game companies (Wizards of the Coast owned the Dungeons and Dragons brand now, but when Magic and Spellfire were in direct competition with each other, they did not.)

What’s even more amazing is that Bill Rose, and at least one fake developer, seemed to think that three damage for six was playable.  What kind of crazy environment did you need to be in, where three damage for six is considered passable?  After all, if removal is that expensive, you should ignore it and just play giant creatures, right?  What were the six-plus cost common creatures of Odyssey Block in red?  Huh.  Turns out there was only one…

Oh.

Maybe Bill Rose is right.  Maybe I should have played Spellfire.

Best Comment by Chthulhu_Shin: “This is obviously a overflow bug. The card must deal 18 damage (6 lightning bolts + 1 mana for card draw) but magic only uses 4 bits for damage so the maximum is damage that can be dealt is 15. This cards resets the counter and overflows 3 damage.”

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Two down, three to revisit, and five to go.  We’ve reached the fifth circle.  Beware the master of the Erinyes, Medusa!  The gaze that Theseus stole from her has been restored, and shall turn any man who greets her visage to rough rock.  Turn back, and leave this cursed land, or wait.  Let us cross the river Styx, pass by Cerebus and witness The Ten Most Reviled Cards in Magic, According to Gatherer – Part Two!